Weekend Update

So I ended up not going in on Friday.  I didn't get any response from my boss, so no idea what that means.  I've been wanting to spend all day in bed, did all day Friday, got up for only a few hours begrudgingly since my husband poked me out of bed.  Then he insisted I call my Doc if the meds weren't working since I hadn't been to work in two days and not at all the week before.  So I called my Doc who said they would call me back and emailed my counselor.  My doc's office called back and gave me the number to a psychiatrist so they could help diagnose and medicate me better.  Then my counselor called, and said she had talked to my doc about this earlier in the week and that they were s'posed to have called me.  Good to know they are on top of their shit, fuckers.  I could have gotten an appt much earlier and maybe not have missed work.  Now I've had to leave a message and go to work on Monday and hope not to be fired and that I can get a call to get evaluated soon.  I'm still taking the effexor at 150 and a benzo at night to help me sleep.  Not sure what else I can do, things are worse in the morning and when I feel like I have to go out in public.  I was proud of myself for leaving the house and going to get a pack of smokes yesterday, first time I've left the house since Wednesday.  not that I'm s'posed to be smoking with my Emphysema or bronchitis, but sometime the ecig just doesn't cut it when you are freaked out.  well see how i feel tomorrow.
signing off
the anxious donkey

Continuing the Morning Panic Attack Trend

Hello my fellow anxious donkeys.  I'm still taking my meds but mornings are still the worst.  I did not go to work yesterday and have called in today asking if i can go in later if i feel better.  I did some research yesterday and apparently it's common for panic attacks and depression to be worse in the morning due to your cortisone levels rising at night, which can make you feel anxious in the morning, which if you already have anxiety problems makes you feel more anxious and it's a vicious cycle.  So i tried getting up earlier this morning and it's been a no go, i haven't made it out of bed yet.  i'm still wondering if i will go in to work at all, i'm sure once my husband gets home he will be pissed and be like go to work and then i will feel like a paycheck, but even i worry about the money, we can't live off credit forever, i'm just having such a rough time, i just want to be left alone.  So the effexor is still at 150 and it feels better, it's not as bad as last week were i couldn't stop crying for hours, now I just feel numb, like I just don't care if I get fired, or go into debt, I just don't care about anything anymore.  Oh well, another day, another tear, another heartache, I should be used to this by now, life sucking, guess it never really stops hurting

Roller Coaster of Emotions

Yesterday was a very rough morning, but I made it out the door and to work.  This morning not so much.  I'm exhausted and want to just curl back up and go back to sleep.  I don't want to deal with the stress of the day or the people.  I don't know how I've forced myself through these past few days and I don't know how I will get through today.  I can only pray that they let me work part time from home, not that I will get an answer for over a week.  Guess I'll just keep looking for a job from home and keep taking my meds.  I feel a little more level headed overall, but I hate mornings and can't seem to get out of bed.  Even now, typing this, in bed!  I don't know what I will decide to do.

Getting Better - maybe

Well, I'm still taking my meds and it seems like it's getting better.  At least I have gotten out of bed and gone to work twice now this week.  They have taken pressure off me at work and I have asked to work from home, no idea if they will let me, but it couldn't hurt to ask.  I still feel stressed and like I really have to push myself to get up in the morning.  I only cried for like 10 min instead of an hour, which is progress I guess.

I still feel resentful about the money situation with my husband, and how my life goals, (not that i really have any) have always been pushed aside, but I'm dealing.  We are finally close to our goal of him having a real job with real income, which will help me feel better and more taken care of.  I can only hope he keeps his promise and I only work if I have to.

I wish there was an easier way to deal with my emotions than falling apart, but having a drug addict/alcoholic/child molesting/spawn of satan mother it's no wonder i don't have an easy time.  i'm actually doing a lot better than i could be considering.

i haven't been brave enough to pick up my courage to heal book in weeks, but i've been thinking about it and trying to process the anger i feel over not being protected by the rest of my family, but pretty much no progress there

Well, it looks like no one really reads this, so at least it's a way daily for me to look back and gauge my moods and tell if there are cycles of ups and downs or if it's random or if these meds will help and it will just be a steady rise to getting better

signing off for now
the anxious donkey

Starting to Get better - but still a nightmare

I"m not in tears, at least not yet, the day is still earlier and I don't have a lot of faith.  I made myself go to work yesterday in an effort to not get fired.  I asked them if I could work from home since the stress on going to work and the social anxiety is getting to be to much.  Since I'm part time anyway and can co my work from home effectively and they've let an employee do it in the past, so I'm not sure how this will go.  If nothing else I have some work off my plate and can focus on what I was hired to do, not the random jobs they assign me.  I really wish I could work from home, it would be so much nicer and less stress, I might actually be able to focus on my healing and pull myself out of this, but most likely they will tell me no, my dreams will be crushed and i will be brought back to the reality that life sucks, and I"m working for someone else's goal and should just give it all up.  Just walk off into the woods and disappear, let my body feed the animals like it was meant to.  I feel a little less scrambled today, but still depressed.  A scary depressed, one that wants to OD when it gets to be to much.  Don't know what else to say, but gotta get ready to work, gotta haul myself out of bed somehow and face the day.  I don't want to, but I have to anyways.