Nothing good to report

Just more depression, crying, not understanding why it won't get better.  it's just a downward spiral into nothing good.  i feel worthless, like a failure, my husband says it can't be all his fault that our marriage has focused on him since i've never had any goals, but when i set a goal for school that got shunted to the side becuase i had to go back to work again, i want to work on my art and my blogs and crafts, but that doesn't make money, so i can't do that, which makes me feel even more like a paycheck, like i just need to suck it up and deal with it.  i don't know how i will get out of bed tomorrow, i haven't gotten up in days, my needs aren't listened to, i tell my husband i don't want friends over and he invites them over anyway, i'm trying to be a good sport but it just makes me feel like my wants and needs are nothing, that whatever he wants, whatever he thinks we should be doing or eating or whatever is the right way and i have no say in it, just suck it up, go to work so i can go to school, i don't know what to do or how to manage anything, i have no idea if i will be fired tomorrow for having taken the whole previous week off and my doc note only covers one of those days, it's just spiraling out of control, i know i could find another job, but why bother, why bother with anything, what's the point, just to watch someone else achieve their goals off you sweat and blood, i wish i could just disappear, hide away from everything and be left alone, no more reports due, no more bosses that yell for no reason, no more husbands demanding i get up and go to work, no more anything, i  just want to be left alone

The Break Down Continues

So things seem to be getting worse and spinning out of control.  I've reached out to family and friends and they all care, but I'm not sure I do.  It just takes so much effort.  All I want to do is sleep.  Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.  I'm sorry I don't have any thing humorous for you today, but life just hurts right now.   I hope you all find strength somewhere, it's a rare thing for me right now.

Did Therapy Help

Yes and no.  I still feel over whlemed, upset, and used.  I feel like a paycheck to my spouse, he just is concerned about getting through school, but we've spent five years getting to the point where he has finally started his program and has two more years to go.  How can I feel mad at a VET with PTSD who was struggling to get his shit together, and now finally has.  But I've just hit my limit and can't seem to care anymore, I have no more to give.  I don't think I am happy anymore and feel like I am constantly pulling his weight for him.  Who worked OT at shitty jobs while he played video games, who pleaded for raises and promotions to pay the bills while he took one class at a time and didn't work.  I did.  And now that he is finally doing his goal it's like it's to little to late.  It doesn't matter that in only two years he will be done, he has taken so long to do this I don't believe that I will ever be able to quit.  I think he will do well and graduate, but I think there will always be something else, some other car repair, medical expense, something.  I just can't stand the thought of supporting another human being, this was sposed to be an equal marriage and for most of it I've carried us emotionally and financially.  I'm ready to call it quits and this anxiety is not helping one bit.  I just don't know what to do.  Any suggestions are welcome.

I Seem to Have a Lot to Say

I wish time would pass faster, then I wish it would pass slower.  I want to enjoy the freedom of not having to worry about work for one more day, but the feeling of guilt over not being in so far is only making it worse.  I don't want to face my co-workers knowing they can't see my illness, it's not like a broken leg, it's mental.  And for anyone who hasn't struggled with this just doesn't seem to understand.  It's embarrassing and I find myself wondering how much is all in my head, but then again I'm seeing doctors who say it is not in my head (as in I have a treatable condition that can be managed even if it is a mental illness, it's still an illness) and are prescribing me things to deal with it.  It's so complex, ahhhh, why can't life be simple, why can't we all just get along and be able to pursue our real dreams, not be driven by money and having to take care of others.  Why do I have to be the responsible one, why can't someone else take care of me for once.  I've given so much, been through so much, I really deserve to have a break.

Anxiety Attacks are a Real Beotch

So I thought getting up this morning and being able to take a benzo would help with the anxiety, and I was very wrong.  The tears, anxiety and horrible feelings were through the roof this morning.  I just could not bring myself up to facing work, facing getting out of bed, facing anything really.  I was so desperate I even called my Dad to ask if I could borrow a few grand to take a few months off work to figure things out.  He of course said no, which is what I expected, but I was that desperate to ask, which for me says something since I never ask anyone for money. And of course to top it all off my husband is furious with me for not going to work again.  I wish he would understand anger only makes the anxiety worse and makes me feel like I should just get up and go to work regardless of the fact that I can't keep myself from crying.  I just can't seem to make it out of the house without it being a big ordeal.  Even hearing my phone go off and ring for a message, call or email I start to panic.  What else will I have to deal with, what other bad news will come my way, what other obligation will I have to deal with.  I feel lost and confused and like I am asking for help but all I'm getting is "that is life" and "you just need to buck up and deal with it."  Don't people understand that when you are in the depths of depression that hearing you just need to buck up makes you feel even worse because you just can't.  My husband blamed me saying he doesn't think I want to get better, I do want to get better, I want to feel normal and not have stress, but the fact is that I have to work so he can go to school. My life seems to revolve around his goal, but he says once that goal is met then I can quit working, but I've been working with him towards this goal for over 5 years now and it will be two more before we are done and he should have had this done years ago.  So it's ok for him to take years off, but when I want a few months it's a no go, I was sposed to have 9 months to a year to take off work to get sober, I got five months in and yet again he lost his job and I had to go back to work even though I wasn't ready, and now I have all this pressure on me and I'm cracking, and all I'm getting is yelled at to pull it together.  This is all crap, complete crap!!!  I have no idea how to handle things or what to do, I have an appt with my therapist at 3 today, but I don't know what to say to her, I want to be left alone, I want freedom to stay at home and be taken care of, I don't want stress from co-workers or deadlines, I really really hate life right now and just don't think it's worth it,  I won't do anything about it, but it does sound like an appealing idea..  more later once I've had my therapist visit....

Follow up on Getting Started

So, now that you have the basic run down, here's some additional info.  I work in a normal office job, and for the most part like what I do and who I work with.  But I have had a very rough childhood and am an adult survivor of childhood sexual assault by a parent.  For me this is even more horrifying since it was my mother and resources for daughters assaulted by their mothers hasn't always been something that was easily accessible.

My therapist has recommended I work through a book called the Courage to heal and it deals specifically with women who were sexually assaulted as children.  It has been painful but eye opening at the same time.  If anyone else is not sure if they want to reach out to a therapist or support group just yet this book is a good start.  It also has lots of resources listed if you choose to follow up on further therapy.

I'm not sure how much I will share as this blog goes along.  I want to be honest with myself and my readers, the goal here is to heal myself, share my stress, hopefully produce some art that will make me feel better, and if I get really lucky, help someone else along the way.

If anyone wants to talk just let me know, together we survivors can get through this together!

Getting Started

Well, this will hopefully be the start of a beautiful thing.  I am just now starting down the road of anti depressants, including benzo's to deal with severe anxiety.  I would like to use this blog to track my progress, note how I'm feeling each day and share some tips on recovery and anxiety inspired art along the way.  Having hobbies is something my therapist has highly recommended and taking myself back to 30-40 hours a week at work instead of the 60 I was working.  This might mean more ramon noodles in my future, but I'd rather have my sanity than a paycheck that I'm constantly spending at the doctor due to being run down all the time.

So on to the anti anxiety meds,  I've started on effexor at 37.5mg and then a week later got bumped up to 75.  I still was dealing with alot if anxiety but my doc wanted to wait, so I gave it two weeks and had to call her to set up a new appt to deal with the panic attacks being so bad I couldn't go to work.  So now I'm up to 150 and she gave me a very mild and limited qty of a benzo to help me through waiting for the effexor to take a greater effect.  I'm not sure if this is the right way to go, but my therapist has been suggesting this for a while so I'm glad my doc is finally listening.

I'm not sure how to feel or if I will be able to make it out of bed in the morning, but unless I want to get fired I won't have a choice.  Part of me feels like I don't care if I get fired, I just don't want to deal with anything anymore.  I'm not suicidal, I just have overwhelming anxiety that is making it difficult to acomplish anything anymore.  All I want to do is lay in bed and do nothing, getting up and leaving the apt causes such horrible waves of panic.

Well, all and all this is really just a rant to start with, hopefully as this goes I will see improvement.